i don't know. i haven't written in a minute and a lot of shit gone down as always. chris basically fucked me over aboutttt two weeks ago? sayn that he doesnt have those feelngs for me. blah blah blah. and im not gonna lie. it hurt. i thought that he liked me, but i guess that was thinking to much. but thats okay. cause it just wasnt meant to be. before he told me, i had saw joe and he texted me askn me to dinner and i accepted. and then chris said that shit so i was havn a bad night. we went to dinner and i started cryn at the table. then we went to the beach and sat there for like 2 hours just talkn and cryn and shit. and i told him i still loved him and that i wanted to be with him. and like things were going good. we were hangn out and stuff. and then the other day...he read my last entry and said that everytime hes with me he cant help but think that the only reason im with him is cause chris dropped me. i understood where he was coming from but i never thought he would think that cause its not the truth. i wanna be with him cause i love him. and i know that i fucked up plenty a times, cheatn on him and what not. but thats cause i was mad immature, and i didnt know what i had. i kept listenn to other people sayn i could do better and my mistake was listenn. and in the end, i did worse. i realized too late that hes the right one for me. and now hes not sure if he wants to be with me. so now im all paranoid thinkn hes gonna hang out with other girls cause i know that he did when we broke up and a lot of them are a hell of a lot prettier than me, and i know that looks shouldnt matter. but its me we're talkn bout here. and like i sound so sad on the phone with him, and he always asks me whats wrong and gets mad at me cause i wont tell him. but nothings wrong. i just wanna be with him and i want him to know that i love him and that im not with him cause i dont wanna be alone. im with him cause i wanna be and cause he makes me happy. i love being around him. he makes me laugh. and just makes me happy. but when i know that hes thinkn that shit about me, makes me sad cause i dont know how to act and what not. i just hope that he realizes that im not gonna fuck up this time. i just dont know to show him that. i bought him a ring, but he doesnt wear it. i know i know i know why. cause of the whole situation. but i didnt just buy him the ring cause it looked nice, i bought it cause it means something. just like his meant something to me until i was stupid and pawned it cause i didnt think we were gettn back together. i love him and i just dont know how else to show it. ya know? i just hope he knows that and knows that nothings wrong with me, i just want everything to be okay and us to be back together...i dont know.

wished that you're life turned out to be the way a movie went. take your love life for example. have you ever wished it turned out to be like the notebook, or 13 going on 30? i have..i do. i don't know. i watched 13 going on 30 just before. and i cried. i know i know. im a pussy blah blah blah. but im really not. i just wish my life could be as great as hers. her best friend ended up being the one she married. i know i cant marry heather lmao. but i dont know. take chris for example. he was my best friend in elementary school. and i bet anyone any amount of money, if he woulda stayed here, we would not be talkn at all. but he left. and i had feelings for him. and i told him and he laught in my face. and thats okay cause we were in like 6th grade. but now. we're talkn again. and i just cant explain the way he makes me feel. every time i talk bout him, i just cant stop smiln. and i know i sound like a little girl in puppy love. but i cant help it. i dont need him here to make me happy. just hearn that goofy accent, makes me melt. i might be over my head in his, but im stuck. i wanna end up happy and in love and just havn the greatest life / marriage ever. i thought i could have that with joe. but i take a look at my future, and if it was with him. my life would have been so unhappy. i shoulda listend to my mom when she told me before it go too far. now that i look at it, with chris. its just like wow. i dont know how else to explain my feelns for this kidd. he just makes me so happy. happier than ive ever been. happier than joe has ever made me. mad people laugh at me when i tell them this, or they say im just on rebound right now and i need someone there. but i dont. i mean i get lonely mad often. but what am i gonna do? i dont want anyone else. im turnn 18 at the end of this month. and im gonna be old enough to make my own decisions. and if its what chris really wants to do..i wanna spend my life with him. i dont know how he feels for me, im actually scard to ask him cause i dont want to ruin mine. he told me i made him happy. and even if its just a friendly happy, that makes me the happiest person in the world just knowing i could make him feel that way. i dont have a good job. and i definately dont have a million dollars. but i know that if he gave me the chance i could make him happy. im just scard to ask him.iiiiiiiiiiddddddddkkkkkkkkk. i dont know about anything anymore. i mean. i know i want a new car.  i know i cant wait for my birthday. and i know i cant wait to see chris in november. but idk. im just so bleh. i think bout him a lot. more than i want to. i havent seen him in 7 years. i dont know anything bout him. cept his name is chris, he has green eyes, he lives pandas and penguins, his favorite color is green and he lives in florida. ohh and he wears white gold. i know thats not really a whole lot, but i wanna get to know his whole life. i wanna get to know everything about him. what size fitteds he wears, his favorite foods, what makes him upset, what annoys him, everything little thing. im just really scared to tell him how i feel. im scared im gonna get shut down. why? cause my worst fear is ending up alone. and i know im only 18 but still. a lot of people i know have found their "soulmates" at my age or younger. i wanna settle down. i wanna know that i have a life ahead of me. i want someone to love me and take care of me. and kiss me and hug me. and just hold me just because. i dont wanna feel alone anymore. i dont want to think im gonna end up livn with my mom for the rest of my life. and if it seems that chris is just my way out. well, then you're lookn at this from a totally different point of view. i dont know how else to explain my feelings for him, besides saying that he makes me happy. its 1:00 in the mornn and i guarentee i wont be able to fall asleep till 3 cause im gonna be up thinkn bout him. or thinkn bout my car. or whats gonna happen when he comes out here. i pray to God that he doenst fuck me over. my heart cant handle that shit anymore...

and so the horrible life of kristen hanly continues. today i went to work. and i got my paycheck, and i made eighty four bucks for working twenty hours. ... i flipped the fuck out plus these kids i work with that are a year younger than i am, think they are better than me and rub it in my face. so i put my two weeks in. i get home, and tell mommy and she flips out on me, cause i dont have another job lined up. im sorry but eighty four dollars a week isnt cutting the mustard. idc that i make ten dollars in tips a day. i gave up a full time position making eight fifty an hour, for this shitty job. I FUCKING HATE IT TOO. and shes mad at me. i cant fucking wait till chris comes out here. no fucking joke. we can talk about our plans. and then by the begining of next year, hopefully before then, i can get the fuck outta here and start a new life. idk anymore. my life just seems to be going down hill. with the accident and all. i just wanna cry. idk what to do anymore. i just cant wait till november.

hmm. its been a while since i posted. and a lot has gone down. i finally got my car at the begining of august. it was beautiful. a white volvo, in perfect condition. but if you read correctly, keyword was. i got into a really bad accident last week with heather, and my car is totaled. ive been really depressed ever since. 2 days before i got into my accident i broke it off with joe, for good. no more friends with benefits. i wanted to stay friends, but he gave me many reasons not to be. besides him yelling at me, it just didnt feel right. he flipped out cause i didnt tell him i got into the accident, and he had to find out from his aunt. then i found out hes been talkin to the girl that he cheated on me with and got pregnant a couple years back. i flipped out. i dont know if it was jealousy, or hurt, or just pure anger. he called me a whore, many times might i add, the day i confronted him about it. i laughed at him. i may be a whore, but i'm not a lowlife piece of shit like he is. i took care of him, no matter what he may say. i wore the pants in the relationship. he always denied me paying for everything. meanwhile, i broke my bank accounts because of his faggot ass. gosh, he makes me so mad when i think about it. i wasted 4 years of my life with a piece of scum when i could have found someone else that would take care of me and pay for me. ya know? luckily enough, i been talkin to this kid, ive known since i was in elementary school. something about him, shiiiiiit, hes got me hooked real bad. but he sorta lives in kentucky cause hes in the army. i talk to him everyday..and like i thought that i liked him cause i was lonely, but i realized thats not the reason. cause it's not like i miss him, and i don't need him here to make me happy. just listenin to that voice makes me smile. hah. i know im mad pathetic, but its aight. cause im happy. heather thinks hes a jerk, and i understand why cause they were talkin before we started. and idk what exactly happened or what was the reason why they stopped talkin, but he doesnt seem like one. i mean i known this kid for years now, and he maddddd goofy lmao. he jus makes me smile. thats a good thing, as far as i can see. ya knooow? heather and me been mad close lately too. ever since that accident,  we both realized how much we mean to eachother, and like i never wanna lose her. ya know? i may sound lesbian and what not, but shes my girl. and nothing will ever change that. she got  a man now. im soooo happy for her. hes a real nice guy, she needs him. he makes her happy and i love it. we sorta stopped talkin to marissa. when we got into the accident, marissa didnt even try and contact us to see if we were okay after postin it on myspace, and i posted mad pictures of my car. ya know? we decided that she really wasnt a best friend if she didnt even care enough to ask how we were. ya know? tomorrow is my first real day at applebees. its the grand opening and i am sooooo nervous. aha. but i think ill  be fine. ya know. aight well its 230 in the mornin now, and im finally fallin asleep. i just thought id update cause i havent in a minute. ahhhhhhhhha. peace<3

i hate life again :] actually..no i don't. but it sucks really bad at this point.

WOW WAS I FUCKING WRONG ABOUT YOU YOU FUCKING ASS HOLE. THE THINGS I WANNA FUCKING DO TO YOU RIGHT NOW COULDN'T EVEN FAMITH HOW FUCKING MAD I AM AT YOU. YOU FUCKED WITH HER. YOU FUCKING WITH HER HEAD. AND NOW YOU TRIED TO DO THE SAME THING AND THEN STOP FUCKING TALKING TO ME TO MAKE ME DEPRESSED. WELL I LEARNED FROM HER FUCKING MISTAKES AND IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN. GO TO FUCKING SPAIN AND GO LIVE YOUR FUCKING LIFE. IM DONE WITH YOU AND YOUR SWEET TALK. IM DONE WITH YOU TRYING TO BRING ME DOWN. IM DONE WITH YOU. YOU TOLD ME I LEFT YOU 3 TIMES ALREADY. WELL YOU LEFT ME THIS TIME. AND YOU WANTED ME TO WAIT FOR YOU. FUCK THAT SHIT. IM LEAVING YOU FOR THE 4TH AND LAST TIME. DON'T THINK YOU'RE GONNA SEE ME AROUND ANYMORE. CAUSE YOU'RE NOT GOING TO. I FUCKING HOPE YOU DIE.  


[good night last night btw. hehe i love my best friends]

im telling you right now...with all my fucking heart...im done with feeling like shit. i dont with people making me feel like shit. im done being depressed. IM DONE. i fucking hate the way people can fuckin make me feel like such a piece. i really do. take your shit out on someone else..dont fuckin bring me down just because you are. its my time to be fucking happy and i swear on my life as of right now im fucking done with being unhappy. im done. even if i have to do the stupidest shit to make myself smile..im doing it cause shit aint worth me being fuckin depressed. im not going on meds. and im not seeing a fuckin pyschiatrist. i got 20 more fucking days of shit and then everything will get even more better. i cant wait till i can say bye and fuck you to all those who have put me down this year. you're gonna fuckin regret being fuckin assholes to me. let me fucking tell you.

peace.